Randomness in Forks
by twilight wolves
Summary: there is SLIGHT cursing, Random moments in forks with.. EVERYONE! :D why is bella going to the newtons store with a paintball gun and emmet! why is edward throwing skittles and bloody meat at mike? YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU READ!
1. beginning

**I OWN NOTHING!!!!!! exept bordom... T-T**

**i know it's short and.. well.. RANDOM! so.. shush! **

**chapter one. Ahe he hem..**

**Random moments in forks!**

**EPOV**

"Edward?!" my clumsy little angel sang out to me.

"Yes Bella?" there was a long pause then a crash. That didn't sound very good. I came into the kitchen to find Bella laughing on the floor, with fruit loops everywhere and she was covered in milk.

"Bella? What.. Uh, what are you doing?" I stared at her in confusion. Maybe she had finally realized that she's in love with a vampire, and that it was insane. I felt my façade of happiness falter. My emo thoughts began to kick in.

"EDWARD! Don't be emo!" Jasper yelled at me. "I can feel that you know!"

"you don't have to yell Jasper. I believe I have super hearing."

"I know, but I wanted Bella to hear me." ooh, that's going to cost him. Before I could speed up to his room and beat him with his own legs, Bella pounced me.

"_Eddie!" _her new nickname for the day. Fantastic. I rolled my eyes but didn't fall when she tackled me.

"Oww! You jerk! Your supposed to fall over!" she clung to my and tried to push me down. "FALL DOWN DAMN IT!"

I heard Emmet come up behind me. Great.

"Hi _Eddie_" he laughed in that loud annoying way. I wanted to punch him in the mouth. But before I could, he pulled me up into a huge bear hug.

"EMMET! PUT ME DOWN!" I screamed at him and he laughed harder.

"BELLA! LETS GO SOMEWHERE! I AM BATMAN!"

Bella jumped up. "EMMET! COME WITH ME! WE SHALL GO TO WALL-MART TO GET…… do we need anything?" she put her hand on her chin and looked at the floor.

"Uh, I'm not sure." Emmet's eyes glazed over.

**BPOV **

Hmm.. Oh my god. OH MY GOD! I HAVE SUCH A GOOD IDEA!!!

"EMMET! GET EVERYONE! NOW! GET THE PAINTBALL GUNS! We're going over to the Newton's store." I smiled evilly as did Emmet.

"I like your mind little sister.. I like your mind" he ran away to collect the troops and I began to plot my evil plans. Mwahahaha!

**REVIEW FOR BATMAN and.. other PEOPLE/VAMPIRES/WEREWOLVES/WEREPIRES/PAPER TOWELLLLLLLSSSSSSS!!!! **

**nyahaha.. im so weird. THX PPL! I SHALL CONTINUE TO BE A FREAK! THIS WAS JUST THE BEGINNING! I LIKE CAPS LOCK! CAN YOU TELL?!**

~Rachel Wolf ^-^ ....*sigh* calmness.. oh.. and.. next chapter shall be quite random. ^-^


	2. Paintball guns guns guns

**im new at doing this, so bare with me. this is my first story... thing. they are short, but will be updated every day, or every other day. (im homeschooled, i have a lot of spare time.) here is chapter two, it's basicly just setting up for chapter three, which will be long. **

EmPOV

Paintball guns… paintball guns. Where are the paintball guns… "ALICE!" the little pixie sprung up beside me. "Mhmm?" stupid little pixie.. She's to fast.

"where are the paintball guns?! Paint ball guns.. Paint ball guns…. Paintball guns…….."

"uh, they are in…. jaspers closet….. What were you just doing?"

"I was just looking for the paintball guns. Paintball guns…. Paintball guns."

"n.. no. what are you doing.. When your talking? It's creeping me out." she backed up a little bit and stared at me. What was I doing? Seriously?!?! WHAT?!

"I'm moving my lips. that's what you do when you talk. when you talk…when you talk…… when you talk…." seriously Alice! Think a minute, gosh! I rolled my eyes and ran to Jasper's closet.

"No! Emmet.. Your like.. Echoing yourself! that's creepy!" Edward walked by and punched me in the face.

"OWW!! Oww.. Oww….. Oww….. Oww. " I rubbed my face.. Oww.. That hurt.. "what the hell was that for?!!! for… for… for…. For. "

"for picking me up.. And hugging me. It emasculates me." oh my god! Again with the big words! WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!!

"……uh…………………… what does.. Em.. Asscoliaters.. Mean? mean mean mean.. mean." what could that mean? well, it has 'EM' at the front and.. asscoliaters.. So.. It must mean.. I AM EMMET AND I MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF! YES!!! THAT IS IT!!

"no Emmet. It does not mean that you are emmet and you make an ass of yourself. Although it is true." I hate his stupid vampire…. Where are the paintball guns? I began to search again.

"EMMET!! HURRY UP! I THOUGHT YOU HAD VAMPIRE SPEED AND STUFF!" bella yelled up to me.

"emmet. You idiot. They are right there." Edward pointed into my hand.

"oh. No wonder I couldn't find them. THEY WERE HIDING IN MY HAND!" I screamed and threw them through a wall.

"EMMET CULLEN!!!!!!" oh shit. Esme. "hide me! Hide me!" I whispered.

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**EsPOV**

~humming a happy tune to myself~

"hmm, where is Rosalie? I haven't seen her all day. she is the cleanest of my children. Hmm." I sighed and looked out the window.**(AN: i don't like rose either, so shush, but she does seem the cleanest *shrugs*) **

"THEY WERE HIDING IN MY HAND!!!!!!" then.. A loud crash. Emmet.. Cullen. What have you done to my precious house?!

"EMMET CULLEN!!!!" I screamed.

Carlisle popped into the kitchen and kissed my cheek. "did Emmet break something again?" I nodded and glared up at the door.

"hide me! Hide me!"

"Emmet. Don't make me count to three!!" I heard everything stop moving upstairs. I got him now.

"One….?" I heard Edward laugh. "Oh Edward! Would you mind joining him?"

"aww! CRAP!" I heard Edward yell. Hmm.. What shall be their punishment?

"Two!" I yelled getting impatient in the second that had past and they still weren't down here.

"IM COMING MAMA!!!" emmet screeched.

"two and a half?" emmet popped up beside me before I could finish my threatening counting.

"And where is your brother?"

"no where?" emmet looked around sneakily. He thinks he's going to get away with this again?

"ok emmet. Where did you tie him up this time?" Edward walked down the stairs. Not realizing, or not caring, that 3 doors were glued to his face.

"uh, Edward? You got a little somthin'… uh.. On your face." Bella said from behind me.

"I know Bella. Thank you for observing that." he glared at emmet and got a lighter out of his pocket.

"Emmet?" I said, trying to sound calm.

"Yeah?"

"take the paintball guns and run. Bella, you too."

They ran away and Edward chased Emmet, who was carrying Bella like a dead bird, by her feet.

**BPOV**

"HI EDWARD!!" I looked back at him and waved, even though he was upside down. Silly Edward. Why was he upside down?

"Hey Bella." well that wasn't very enthusiastic. I glared at him and crossed my arms over my chest. Hey.. Wait a minute. IM UPSIDE DOWN!

"OH MY GOD! IM UPSIDE DOWN! HOW DID I GET LIKE THIS?! AM I MAGIC?!?" emmet looked down at me and laughed.

"Bella, we're going to the newton's store. Jasper, Alice, Rose, and Carlisle, will meet us there. We're going to have some fun."

**i will get into more details and things tomorrow, when i update. like.. more.. POV's.. and.. things such as that.**

**hey! guess what?! REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY! you don't want to make me emo do you!? DO YOU!? T-T your an evil person if you don't....**

**naw.. im just kidding.. your just thinking "what the hell? your a freak. i don't think i want to review your totally awesome crack fanfic!"**

***cough cough* review *cough cough***


	3. Mike, the cat food

**Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING AT ALL! **

**Ok! So! Kinda short.. Medium..ish. Here's chapter three! sorry about the wait, one of my friends got in some trouble, and I had to bail him out.. Again. And he bit my laptop and brome the space bar.. So.. I had to get that fixed before I could update.. So.. Sorry about that. I have odd friends. **

**READ ON FELLOW REVIEWERS! (hint hint)**

BPOV

We arrived at the Newton's store, jasper and Alice close behind. We walked in the doors like we were going to buy something, and looked around. I was about to ask Emmet what we were going to do first, but he sprinted towards the dairy section in the back of the store. (I was thrown over his shoulder) Carlisle was already there.

"Bella, Emmet, where are Jasper and Alice?" almost before he was done with his sentence, Alice popped up next to him.

"RIGHT HERE!!!!" she had an evil pixie like grin of her face. Jasper stood still like a statue next to her.

"front and center." he said loud and clear. Wow. When there is a war, he really gets in the mood of it. I hope he doesn't take this to far…. Again.

"Will Edward be joining us today?" Carlisle asked. I looked at Alice, thinking it's the safest bet that she'd know.

"yup. As long as BELLA doesn't get hurt in the first 3 minutes." she rolled her eyes and giggled. I glared at her.

"oh, lighten up Bella! Im just kidding, I know your not going to get hurt unless you run into the spaghetti-O's like you did the first time. By the way, that was disgusting Bella." I blushed and hid my face.

"Emmet. Put me down now, I think im capable of walking on my own." he chuckled.

"I doubt it Bells." I glared at him and he put me down.

"you're the first per-… Vampire im going to punch in the mouth when I am a vampire." I glared at him and he laughed.

"Bella, if you do that, then I get to arm wrestle you. I bet I can beat you. And if I don't, I'll hold Mike Newton down and let you rip his hea.. HI MIKE!" he waved at mike muttering something under his breath and I blushed, hoping he didn't hear the conversation.

"Hi big, stupid, and scary. Bella! Listen! If your free this weekend we could you know…" he left the sentence open for me to finish. I glared at him. Hoping he'd get the message and go away. I stole a glance at Emmet, who was fuming, and giggled.

"no mike. I don't know. Care to tell me?" he fumbled with his hands and looked at my chest, apparently not listening to me.

"MIKE! IM UP HERE DUMBO!" I screeched at him. Alice snickered.

"uh.. Uh.. S.. so what were you saying Bella? I didn't quite catch that." he scooted towards me. And I motioned for him to come closer. Alice starting going into a giggle fit. Probably seeing what I was about to do. I saw Edward creep up behind mike with a mischievous smile plastered on his face, he nodded and got in a manly pose.

"mike.." I whispered softly

"come closer Mike" I whispered again and his eyes widened, and he came closer. OH MY GOD! It took everything I had not to gag or vomit. When did this little pompous asshole take a shower?! And for Pete's sake! WHEN DID HE BRUSH HIS TEETH?! Eeeewww!!!!! I shook my head a little to clear my head of the horrible stench.

"yes Bella, baby?" he said.

Was he trying to be sexy? It wasn't working.

I opened my mouth to speak, but he and his disgusting, vile, horrible mouth. Kissed me. It took everything I could possibly had, have, or come into in the future, not to kill him then and there. I heard Edward growl slightly from behind mike.

I smiled.

"_oh, mike" _I paused for a second. Then slapped him as hard as I could.

"IF YOU EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN, I WILL KILL YOUR STUPID, ARROGANT, POMOUS, LITTLE ASS RIGHT ON THE FREAKING SPOT!!" he stared at me in disbelief.

"I.. I.. I thought.." he stuttered. Great. Get out of here you little ass! I ran over to the milk cartons and picked up as many as I could.

"MIKE! IM GOING TO KILL YOU! IM GOING TO DROWN YOU IN A BOWL OF CEREAL! THEN IM GOING TO TELL MY DAD YOU WERE TO STUPID TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO EAT IT! AND ONCE HE BELIEVES ME, IM GOING TO CUT YOU UP INTO LITTLE BITE SIZED PIECES AND FEED YOU TO A CAT!!" I heard emmet woot and I threw the milk at him and it busted on contact.

"AHH!" he screamed like a girl and ran. I ran after him throwing milk at him. Alice was laughing and holding onto jasper for support, who was trying his hardest not to laugh. Carlisle even laughed, Edward picked up bloody meat (he didn't care, it was cold, he didn't like his food cold) and threw it at mike.

"Don't EVER kiss my FIANCEE again!" he threw the bloody meat and it hit mike right in the face, as he turned to look behind him.

Emmet was on the ground laughing, and he said between gasps of unneeded air, "..or.. Or he'll… eat you.. For breakfast!!" he laughed even more.

I returned to Carlisle.

"sorry Carlisle. I couldn't help myself." he chuckled.

"it's ok Bella. I don't blame you one bit. I would have done worse when I was your age. Not much harm done. He might just have to go to therapy for a bit. Nothing he can't handle."

I couldn't believe my soon to be father-in-law actually said that.

"Carlisle?" I stared at him in disbelief.

"dad? Are you feeling ok? When is the last time you went hunting?" Alice said.

Edward and Emmet nodded.

"I think it's awesome! Getting into the war spirit!" Jasper nearly shouted. Everyone around could feel the suspense like a brand new toy that there were three of and there were four children.

Carlisle shrugged and pulled out a black and yellow paintball gun and he put on a black helmet and chest protector (not like he needed it).

"I am in the mood to fight. Esme won't let me break anything in the house. So I have to do it here while I can." he said. We all nodded and smirked.

"LETS WRECK THIS SHIT!" Emmet yelled and everyone got their gear on and headed off in the store to stalk unsuspecting shoppers as they flooded in as school let out.

EPOV

There's Jessica. I can finally get her for beating up on my angel, Bella.

I aimed and pulled the trigger, aiming at her bare legs.

~~~~**To Be Continued**~~~~

**HA! Suck on THAT! I WANT REVIEWS DAMNIT! **

**No more chapters till I get 4 reviews.. PLEEEEASE!!! *sobs* T-T**

**I will give you all imaginary hugs. T-T **


	4. the old crazy man who challenges people

**Disclaimer: nothing. Absolutely nothing. I own NOOOTHING**

**mike owns an out door store but.. I changed it because… uh.. It gives me more to work with. So.. Yeah! ^-^ **

**Oh and um, I update at like 5 AM or.. 3 AM no, it's not because I am eager to write a fanfic. I wish that were the case, but who in their right mind would get up at 3AM to write? HA! Not me! Well, Im not it my right mind but.. Uh.. You get the point. ANYWHO! The reason I do it at night.. Uh.. Morning.. Is because I.. am off schedule on my sleeping. So.. Yeah. I have a theory that if I just stay up later and later 'till im on my normal track, then I can just go from there and hopefully not stay up all night 'till Christmas break. **

**Wait a minute.. I am supposed to be writing a fanfic aren't I? you wouldn't want to hear about my life. But it won't kill you to pay attention! *glares at my guy friend* jerk.. Your making these poor people suffer. You should listen to me so they don't have to.. OH! WALK AWAY!! YEAH! THAT SOLVES ALL YOUR PROBLEMS DOESN'T IT!?! Actually.. I think it does.. Maybe I should do that.. OH! Im sooo sorry! I forgot that…im uh.. ok sorry here:**

LAST TIME WE SAW THE VAMPIRES AND THE CLUMSY ELF LIKE THING NAMED BELLA:

_**EPOV**_

_There's Jessica. I can finally get her for beating up on my angel, Bella. _

_I aimed and pulled the trigger, aiming at her bare legs. _

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**EPOV**

How dare she hurt my little Bella. I shall scar her mentally for life. That will surely teach her not to mess with the Cullen's. it'll also scar her physically for a little while. But.. Nothing she can't handle. I smirked to myself as I heard her shriek and saw Jessica fall into a jelly-filled row. With glass containers.

"AH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" she shrieked then stood up and held her arms out uncomfortably, looking over herself. "AAUGH!" a large crowd of people gathered around her and chortled. Some even breaking out into heavy laughter.

"Why thank you. I admire my work as well." I muttered under my breath and silently laughed. Her thoughts rang out in my head as a string of profanities. That girl had quite a colorful acquiring of vocabulary. Almost as bad as Emmet.

I'd have to remember to keep my Bella away from him when he was cursing. I ran away at vampire speed to find my next victim. Preferably someone I hated severely.

Almost as If someone had heard _my_ thoughts, Jacob, walked right by me. How he didn't smell me was a wonder. But I ran by him and shot him over and over again until he was completely green.

I couldn't contain my laughter at this point because his thoughts we're 100 times _worse_ that Emmet's. I rolled on the floor laughing, and he turned around shaking, but not the kind of I'm-so-mad-I-could-cry kind of shake. More of the I'm-so-mad-I-could-explode-into-a-werewolf-and-kill-everyone-in-forks kind of mad. I pulled out the paintball gun and shot his face all over and shot his body until he was completely green.

"IT'S THE HULK!" Emmet screeched and pointed, pretending to be a scared, helpless citizen of a small town.

"IM SO SCARED!" Emmet erupted in laughter and said in between odd facial expressions, "Oh, wait, it's just a really mad, green, smelly, werewolf named Jake." Emmet shot him in the back and wrote a big "E.C." in red paintballs.

**EMPOV**

I found Edward shooting the mutt and laughing his 100-somthin' year old virgin ass off. I couldn't let him have all the fun.

"IT'S THE HULK!" I screamed and started laughing. And pointing, acting afraid. "IM SO SCARED!" I made scared and frightened faces but they probably just looked like I was constipated. "Oh, wait, it's just a really mad, green, smelly, werewolf named Jake." lucky for Jake, no one was around to hear.

I ran away before he could kill me. I ran but and kept shooting random people in the back of the knees, causing them to fall over. I saw the manager of the store, and let loose all over his back. He turned around looking like he was about to shit the wall. Like.. He had diarrhea or something. Just that thought made me bust out in laughter. He lunged at me and I dodged him repeatedly. And shot him every time I could, which was 30 times a second.

"YOU DAMN YOUNG'UNS! GET OUTTA MY STORE!" he got the gun away from ME! Was he a vampire?! NO! HE WAS A **WITCH! **

"A WITCH! A WITCH! I SMELL A WITCH!" I burst out laughing but was soon silenced by the paintball gun being pressed to my pants.

"**Get. Out. Of. My. Store."** he got me. I stared wide eyed down at the man.

"You wouldn't." I squinted my eyes at him.

"Is that a challenge, Young'un?" he squinted his eyes right back and gave me a wicked grin.

"You bet it is old man." I gave him an nice big evil grin showing all my teeth.

"Emmet. I wouldn't do that if I were you!" Alice came into view with her arms up and coming slowly over to me. The rest of the Cullen's came over. Someone was missing, but I couldn't figure out who.

"And why not?" I challenged.

"Because he's got more guts than you think. If you don't surrender in the next minute, he's going to pull the trigger and he won't stop until he's out of ammo."

"Oh… I see." I had just reloaded. This holds about 300 paintballs.

Think how much that would hurt. "Oh" I said again in shock then looked back at the old man.

"Give up yet young'un?" he still held that wicked grin. How was he still holding up to me?!

And as if to hear my thoughts, he answered.

"I served in world war two." I stared shocked.

"WHAT?! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Hold on there partner!" jasper.. Of course.

"What was this that your talkin' about war?"

"NO JASPER! NO!" Alice came over to him and whacked him in the face with a newspaper. He whimpered and hid behind Carlisle.

"Your whipped young'un" he said to jasper. What is up with this old guy!? He's seriously crazy. Threatening a VAMPIRE?! That served in the civil war?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

"OK! LETS GO! HE'S GETTING CREEPY!" alice dragged jasper out from behind Carlisle and Edward dragged me by the ear. Carlisle following peacefully.

"Im sorry about my sons, Sir." he bowed offering peace.

"GET OUTTA MY STORE YOUNG'UN!"

"excuse me?" Carlisle said, stopping.

"You heard me you pesky little kiddo!"

"did you just call me 'Kiddo'?" Carlisle turned towards the old man getting angry.

"I sure as hell did." he paused and aimed the paintball gun at _CARLISLE. _

"Why you old little fu-" he was cut off by Esme covering his mouth and dragging him out of the store.

We all got in the car and left. But I could help feel that we had forgotten something.

**BPOV**

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" I stood tall and proud on top of the cereal holder-shelf-things.

"I CLAIM THIS ROW OF ASSORTED CEREALS, CANDY MOUNTAIN!!!!" I threw candy onto my humble servants and jumped down and tied a sheet around my neck from the bedroom sets and ran off around the store and pushed over small children.

"AHAHAHAHAAA!" IM UNSTOPABLE!!!!" I tackled a giant blow-up snowman, and I ate all the candy I could find, and, after that, everything went black.

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**Nyahaha.. They forgot Bella. And she's on a sugar high. that's why she never ate sweets around them. Aha! A secret that she failed to keep! And now, she rules candy mountain, and enjoys pushing small children over! **

**Did you like it, did you hate it? Did you like the crazy old man who challenged everyone? Tell me! Give me tips! I don't care if you're a jerk, because I can handle it! Review! I need it! If I don't get reviews, I don't get any fuel for the fire! **

**REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! For me! And my poor little Alaskan self!! T-T REEEEVVVIIIEEEWWSSSS!! Please? **

**~Twilight Wolves… or R.N.W ^.^ I LOVE YOU ALL!…not in the creepy stalker way though. More of a "I love you as a friend." because im not a stalker… unless you smell really, really good. ^-^ (oops, everything was underlined before, it's better now.)**


	5. Umpa Loompa therapy

**Disclaimer: I. Own. Nothing. …T-T not Dr Phil, Not Umpa Loompas Not anything. well.. i own rozilla's theme song. because i wrote it. (yeah, actually, i wrote lyrics and everything...) **

**sorry i didn't update sooner. it's been a... weird week. my friend is trying to get me to stop cursing by putting me in a "Time Out" corner. i believe i'm not a child. -_- ok, so, you can read now. this one is weird. **

**Ok, so, when we left the vampires, werewolves, and other mythical creatures, and humans. (well that's not fun, it's just a human! Why not an.. Elf.. Or.. A witch.. Or.. A polar bear?) they had escaped the old crazy man, and accidentally left Bella, who was eating sugar, and we all know how that ended. So, read on. ^-^**

**BPOV**

"GET OUT OF MY WAY SANTA! OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO STAB YOU INTO PIECES WITH MY SWORD!"

**Random Guy's POV**

…what's this lady doing? She's standing on top of a shelf screaming at a blow-up Santa. And.. She's holding… a banana.

"GEMEOUNANHUVVESAHSHAWAYNYA!!!! NORISHIZZLSHNABYUSHIHGUSHPIESHESH!!"

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

**BPOV**

"Fine Santa. I warned you." I tackled the large see-through Santa and stabbed him repeatedly in the chin.

"DIE SANTA! YOU SHALL NOT SNEAK DOWN LITTLE KIDS CHIMENEYS ANY MORE! YOU'D THINK THEY WERE TAUGHT TO STAY AWAY FROM WEIRD PEOPLE LIKE YOU! BECAUSE IM AFRAID OF YOU! YOU ARE LIKE A RAPIST! BUT NO, THEY TAKE THE TOYS AND RUN! SO I SALUTE THESE BRAVE CHILDREN! WHO RISK THEIR LIVES FOR FREEDOM! AND I WILL KILL YOU, SO THEY NO LONGER HAVE TO SUFFERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"

**Random guy POV**

She passed out. Maybe because she was screaming so much. Maybe she couldn't breathe.

I think im going to go over there and join the crowd and make random noises that include "Ohhh's and, 'Oh my god, is she ok?'"

**EPOV**

Something isn't right. W.. WHERE IS BELLA?!

"STOP THE CAR! WE FORGOT BELLA!!!" the car screeched around and we sped off. But, just our luck, we were being pulled over by a cop.

We stopped and I suggested that I was at the wheel, Emmet got in the back and I got in the front, before the cop even opened his door.

The officer approached the window and tapped on it. I rolled it down, and just look who it is.

"Hello, officer Swan." his thoughts were wondering where he'd heard the voice before.

"um… d.. do you know how fast you were going… EDWARD??!" angry. Fantastic. This guy hates me. And to make it worse, im in a hurry.. Because I forgot his daughter.

"BELLA SURE AS HELL BETTER NOT BE IN THERE! YOU WERE GOING OVER 100 MILES AN HOUR!!!" he was screaming. Even better.

"No sir, she is.. Well, to tell you the truth.. We um.." I was trying to figure out a way to say this politely. But how do you say "I lost your daughter." politely?

"WE LOST BELLA WHEN WE WERE SHOOTING PEOPLE IN THE NEWTONS STORE!!!" that wasn't me was it!? No.. it wasn't, thank… EMMET?!

"You. Did. WHAT?!" uh oh.

"no! no! we weren't shooting people with.. _real_ guns."

"yes we were. We were shooting people with real guns!"

"NO! wh.. What I meant was.. We weren't shooting people with um.. Real.. Bullets."

"uh, Edward?" he. Looked. Pissed.

"Yes officer Swan?"

"Step out of the vehicle." oh. Shit.

**BPOV**

What? Where am I?

I looked around and there were people all around me. But they were… orange. And.. Tiny. OH MY GOD! IM BEING ATTACKED BY UMPA LOOMPAS!

"oh.. My god. G.. GET AWAY!"

"We're trying to help you little lady"

"I DON'T WANT HELP FROM UMPA LOOMPAS!" I started to cry.

"get a.. away! Get away!" I screamed and ran away. I looked back and every single umpa loompa was chasing me.

**EPOV**

"Oh god, isn't there any way I could get out of this officer swan?"

"No, I smell alcohol on your breath. Your coming with me."

"I haven't drank a single drop!" was he getting out a gun?

"Is that a gun?"

"No son, your hallucinating."

"No, im pretty sure that's a gun."

"This, is a banana."

"Why would an officer keep a banana on his person?!"

"I didn't say banana Edward. I said Christmas tree."

"I HEARD YOU! YOU SAID BANANA!"

"your off the charts son. Calm down."

"IM FU-

**BPOV**

"UMPA LOOMAAAAAAS!! NOOOOOOOOO!!! GET AAWWWAAAYY!!!"

**EPOV**

…twitch….twitch……twitch, twitch.

"officer swan?"

"Yes Edward?"

"……are all these handcuffs necessary?"

"yes."

"but.. 84 pairs?"

"Yes, son, you are strong. I couldn't restrain you. So you have to have 84 pairs of handcuffs on."

"…..ok…."

**CharliePOV**

That was an ordeal. He lost my daughter! Of course im going to give him a load of bullshit!

"Officer swan?" what did he want?

"Yes Edward?"

"…..Are all these handcuffs necessary?" no.. but.. I want him to suffer.

"Yes."

"but.. 84 pairs?" ummm..

"Yes, son, you are strong. I couldn't restrain you. So you have to have 84 pairs of handcuffs on." hmm.. I amaze myself with how good a liar I am.

"…..ok…." he laid down?! Is he giving up!? NO! HELL NO!

Ok.. Ok.. Im going to give him a cop chase. Mwahahahaha! I swerved to the left and the right and turned on my sirens. HA! TAKE THIS CULLEN!

**RPOV**

I can't believe Edward was arrested. OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO HAVE A POLICE RECORD! I busted out laughing and everyone just stared at me.

Oops. I regained my composure.

"I think we need to go get Bella." I may not LOVE bella like the rest of the family, but I still cared about her… somewhat.

"Really?" Emmet sounded surprised?

"yeah. I guess. We did leave her all alone."

"yeah, I bet she's fine though."

**BPOV**

~rocking back and fourth in a dark corner~

"I'm ok… I'm ok… I'm ok…"

"Miss?"

"AHHHHH!!! GET AWAY!!!" the umpa loompas had found me again.

I ran away as fast as I could and this huge crowd of orange midgets ran after me.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!" I screamed and cried as I ran

**RPOV**

"yeah, I bet she's fine.

Alice's eyes glazed over.

"umm.. I think we need to go get her. She's about to freak out… really bad."

"ok, lets go.

__________________________________________________________________________

We arrived at the store to see Bella screaming and crying and running away from little children.

"Emmet?"

"Yeah?"

"I need my theme song." a grin broke out across his face.

"DUN DUN DUN DUNDUNDUNDUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! DUN DUN DUNDUN DUUUNDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN!!!!!!!!"

"ROZILLA!!!!! OH NO!!" alice shrieked.

"RAAAAAWWWRRR!!!!" I spun around three times and appeared in a cardboard box dinosaur that was scribbled, it was flimsy, and it was hard to move.

"RAWWWWR!!!" all the children ran away and Bella's face lit up

"it's Rozilla! Yay! Im saved from the umpa loompas!" she jumped on my back and we disappeared.

**Random Child POV **

"what the hell was that?"

**BPOV**

**--------6 hours of explaining later-------------**

"You mean Edwards in jail, and you didn't do anything about it?!"

"yup" Emmet said.

I paused for a long time.

"umm.. Bella, are you ok?"

"GO. RIGHT. NOW!"

**EMPOV **

"GO. RIGHT. NOW!" oh my god, when bella is mad, she's REALLY mad. I think I'll do what she says.

**------------------------------INTERMISSION----------------------**

**-**doctor Phil theme song-

"And We're back!"

"we've got a serious show today y'all. Get your children out of the room, because this is truly disturbing."

"we've seen this lovable character go from fame, to shame, and he's got a lot of problems."

"Umpa Looma Guy, Thing. Come up here."

The umpa loompa comes on stage.

"now what's the problem?"

"…well.. *sniff* everyone screams and runs away from me.. *sniff sniff*"

"such as?"

"her" the umpa loompa points to the screen, and a picture of bella shows up.

The umpa loompa begins to sob.

"It's ok.." D.R. Phil pats the things back……….

**----------------------------------------------------**

**So……………. How did you like it? (last part was.. Um.. Im not sure.) **

**Tell me. Please. I want more reviews. No reviews, no story. Im getting' sad. **

**Well, w/e. just read. ^-^ **

**~RNW**


	6. no dice

**REALLY sorry. This is not a chapter. I have some family that's in the hospital.. And.. I really can't have my mind anywhere else right now. I'll update …….when I can. **

…**R.W.**


	7. it's the popo!

**HAHAHAHA! This is to the reviewer "ME" ROFL! Yeah. Thanks a lot. I absolutely hate you too! :D such a small world. And guess what?! Lol! I laughed the whole time you were ranting! Ha! Because guess what?! I DON'T CARE!!! XD XD XD rofl rofl! Your just wasting your f****** time!! Lol! Nice job! You just made my day!!!! Thanks!!! Just for showing how much you hate me, im going to update!!!! XD lol! Thanks! You gave me inspiration!**

**(and im doing this chapter just for you "ME" .. Nice and random! And lots of spelling errors!!)**

**Oh, and thank you reviewers who are being AWESOME! And to clear up a few things, Edward wasn't drunk, Charlie just hates him. And the other questions.. Well.. They're just random. So.. THANKS! **

(thanks for hating me! It's a pleasure ruining your life!!!)

**BPOV**

"go get Edward, and no one gets hurt." I held out a box of matches and struck a match.

"holy shit Bella!" who said that?

"CARLISLE CULLEN!" esme screeched

"yes Esme?" he said in a velvety voice.

"go wash out your mouth young man!"

"I'm your husband. Im way older than you anyway!"

"NO LIP! Go! Now!"

"HAHA! Carlisle's whipped!!"

"Shut up Emmet!" Rosalie screamed at him and she slapped the back of his head.

"sorry Rose." Emmet hide behind the couch. **(A.N. you like these spelling errors "Me"? XD)**

~Edward busts in~

"WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON SAVING ME?!"

"EDWARDO!!" I tackled my eddie

"I was just forcing them to go save you!!"

"oh.. Then, should I go back and wait for you guys? Or.. What?"

"um, we really didn't have a plan, so.. I don't think so." I told Edward

"well, I kind of want to go back." he said.

"why?"

"I uh.. I just want to see what the writer can come up with"

(voice in background) "WE'RE FILMING!"

"Ok ok, sorry, I'll stay here then."

"ok then" everyone just stayed still.

"so.. Um.. What do you guys want to do?" I asked

"ooooohh… um… lets.. Uh.. I don't know." jasper said

"lets go to Mike's house." Edward, of all people said.

"What?!! Why edwardo?!" I asked frantically.

"I want to throw skittles at him."

"YEAH! Me too!" emmet said.

"um.. Alright? Then, we're going to mikes house."

--------------------------later that night----------------------------------

"Get into your positions soldiers!" jasper said in a stage whisper.

**MPOV**

I got fired! And bella told me she was going to make me into cat food?! Is that possible? Hm.. Bella….

THWAP! "OW!! WHAT THE HELL!!?"

Thwap thwap! FFFFTTT PTSH!

"AH! HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT!!"

**EPOV**

"Taste the fan-freakin-tastic rainbow mike!!"

I began pelting him with skittles

"STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY BELLA!"

"your" POP "cra" POP "ZYYYY! OWW!" POP POP POP "Your crazy" POP "cullen"

"OOWWWW! SHIT! STOP IT!!"

"no can do Newton!" I let loose all over his back. He would have serious welts all over his body

"ALALALALALALALLALALALALALALALALAAAAA!!!!" Emmet screamed as he ran by mike popping him with thousands of skittles.

"AHHHHH!!! MOMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!" mike screeched.

"No one's here to help you mike! AHAHAHA-" ding dong.

Everyone falls silent. "who's that Newton??" I whispered

"It's the po-po!" Emmet whispered.

**PFFT! Ha! Cliffy! Lol! For those of you who don't know, "Po-Po" is really weird slang for, Police. XD**

**THAT'S JUST FOR YOU "Me"!!! YOU CAN'T DISCOURAGE MY AWESOMENESS!!!! XD XD**

**That was also for the awesome awesome awesome reviewers!! Thanks a lot! **

**~RNW**


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